The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
