I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
where are my pants?
in the oven.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
