Apparently you make a good broom.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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