I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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