totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
