Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
