people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
