just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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