i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
