No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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