so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
