I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
