What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think I sprained my soul last night
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
