Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
