my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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