hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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