Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
