A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
