This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
