How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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