That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
