I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
