My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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