I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
