Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
