Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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