I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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