I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize