I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
As shirtless as possible
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
