i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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