i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Success! We fucked roommates!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
