Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
