hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
