I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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