some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
