Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
