i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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