i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
