How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
