Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
