If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
