i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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