Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
