Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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