Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
