We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
