Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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