Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
