I think I died a long time ago.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize