Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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