May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
