I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just invented taco cereal.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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