I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
