He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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