She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
