evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
