Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
