Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
