I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
